‘What is not said’ to people - a persistent absence of meaningful and affirming communications

This blog isn't long or complicated - it is just a short passage rather lazily copied directly from a book (Firth et al, 2010, p.74), but this passage came back to mind when I recently became involved with an adult service user whose parenting in early childhood was, well shall we say (euphemistically), grossly and shockingly 'sub-optimal'.

'A[n] .... issue that is useful to reflect on is the possible lack of affirming and positive communications that a person with a social impairment might receive. It might be useful to ask at what other times, and during what other types of communicative exchanges [i.e. not Intensive Interaction], does someone with a social impairment have any affirming and positive things said to them, or asked of them, in a way that they can understand. Indeed, we could usefully ask ourselves how we would feel if these things were never said to, or asked of us, in a way that we could understand.

Not having certain things regularly communicated to us can say something very clearly to us about how other people value and view us. A persistent lack of affirming communications would, I believe, have a negative effect on most people, and a similarly persistent absence of any meaningful and affirming communications might significantly contribute to how a person with a social impairment comes to see themselves. This is not just my view, John Bowlby (a leading figure in the development of attachment theory) for example, writes about the importance of having a “lovingly responsive” parenting figure (1988, p. 124) for the development of a secure attachment and positive self view.

The reader may usefully reflect on how we might more often say affirming things to a person with a social impairment in a way that is meaningful to them. If, with the sustained use of Intensive Interaction, affirming and meaningful communications were presented more often, a person with a social impairment might have a better chance of constructing a more positive self-image. They may also come to see themselves as increasingly significant or appealing to be frequently engaged [with] in sociable communications, and also possibly come to see themselves as capable of initiating such communications.'

Firth, G., Berry, R. & Irvine, C. (2010) Understanding Intensive Interaction: context & concepts for professionals and families, London: JKP.
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: clinical implications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.